Death to Coupons

When I become Emperor of the World--I believe in starting at the top--I will outlaw coupons.  The paperwork involved in surviving the 21st century already pushes me to the brink, and coupon craziness takes me right over the edge.  Oh sure, I can save a dollar--if I buy 6 dozen boxes of Shredded Wheat.  And hand in my coupon, which I often forget to do even though I have diligently carried it to the store (at Martha's insistence) with the intention of turning it in.  No, when I am Emperor, manufacturers will quit printing coupons and simply drop their prices by the amount it cost to print all those coupons.

Instant coupons are the most inane coupons of all.  If a bag of salad costs $3.00 and the salad people had to spend money to print a "$1.00 off Instant Coupon!" and stick it on the bag, then why didn't they just print "$2.00" on the bag to start with?  That would have saved a great deal of aggravation, especially since neither I nor the cashier ever remembers to peel off the instant coupon.  All I get is instantly irritated.

And that's another thing:  Why are there so many different kinds of bagged salads?  Or frozen pot pies?  Or potato chips or root beer or razor blades or anything else that requires more decision-making than being a safety manager at a nuclear power plant?  These choices not only prolong my grocery shopping, they make me something less than a safety manager at a nuclear power plant.  The make me something more like a drooling idiot because I am paralyzed in front of 6 dozen kinds of toothpaste trying to figure out if I want minty fresh, striped, or sparkly; paste or gel; for sensitive teeth, regular teeth, or cavity prone teeth.

Furthermore, if you are going to use coupons and you're in front of me in line, then have them ready when it comes time to pay!!!  No one, especially me, wants to wait around while you stick your fingers into every crevice of your purse until it gags and spews pens and change and little pieces of paper and a solitary stick of gum; your keys, your credit cards, three different checkbooks, and the tire iron from your mini-van all over the bagging area just so you can save 25 cents on 12 cans of tomato paste.

You don't want to irritate the future Emperor.

Comments

[Melissa Dodge]

You really need to experience coupons in the presence of a master. You just might change your mind. My coupon philosophy pretty much mirrors yours--I don't have the time, patience, or brain cells to remember the stupid things! But stand back and watch my Charlie save $70 with those bad boys and you can come to a certain level of appreciation for them. It's his thing and I just let him go---there's no way I could compete against that! He is the undisputed Coupon King! All Hail!

[Austin]

The future Emperor salutes the King!

[Anna Kipps]

I think coupons are eventually going to become obsolete. Now if you have an ipod or iphone, there's an application that lets you use digital coupons, so the cashier just scans a bar code in your phone. I can't decide if I like that or not.

[JohnLL]

Austin, try living in a third world country for, say, five years, then coming back to all the choices you wrote about. Wal-Mart blew us away- the first time we went, we had to leave without buying anything- in fact, without even really entering the store. We had the deer-in-the-headlights look.

[Austin]

Anna and John, your comments certainly paint an interesting picture of the world when read one after the other. I can only imagine how long it will take to get through a line when someone like me tries to present a digital coupon!